"We did it!" exclaimed 2-year-old Tara as her baby brother emerged into the world, the joy and excitement telling of the emotional depth formed colse to their sibling bond.
"At first, when Sky came out, Tara looked a wee stunned, and when I caught her eyes, I said "we did it" - because she was in and out with me throughout the whole labor, laying with me, rubbing my tummy, asking the baby to come out," explains Rancho Penasquitos mum to Tara, Laura Bautista.
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Compare that to the cliche and sadly common, "Take him back" that many new parents are faced with when they bring home a wee stranger from the hospital, expecting sudden and instantaneous love. Your bond with your child is sacred. Your connection with your only child is filled with that staple one-on-one attention. He is the center of your universe. The sun rises and sets with his spirit and now that you are bringing him a brother you are terrified. You all the time wanted to give him a sibling, a best friend, a lifelong connection to walk straight through the world with. The belief of adding to your family brought visions of a fuller life and a fuller heart but that was all when it was just theory. Now that the time is approaching the realities of the way his life and your life will turn is hitting you like a truck. A big heavy truck filled with guilt, uncertainty, and fear. This truck, straight through painted in hope and brimming with possible leaves you feeling like you're standing in the middle road at night and it is speeding toward you. The headlights are the excitement beaming from you, family, friends, and the world colse to you, almost blinding. And then it hits you. You look at your adorable, exquisite son in whom you have invested so much and as you become overwhelmed with thoughts of the new baby and you feel the impact. Like a heavy rock in the pit of your stomach, an emotional wave, and a minor panic charge all rolled in to one.
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While it's true that a lot will change, take a deep breath! Feel the love you have for your first born and your new baby pumping straight through your veins and know that that will never change. But no matter how great of a mum or father you are, your first born is going to get less attention. There's just no way colse to it. The key is to shift some of their attachment from you to their new baby. So that while he is losing some of you and there will be some mourning of that on both your parts, he will also simultaneously gain a whole new bond. Here's how to get in the driver's seat, make the ride a inescapable palpate for everyone, and end up at a good destination.
Select a big brother-friendly care practitioner: It is important to find a big brother-friendly Ob/Gyn or midwife. Discuss your hopes and expectations right from the beginning so that you can ensure that you have a care supplier on the same page. This includes the factory where you will be giving birth. If you are giving birth in a hospital or birth center, make sure you discuss in great detail with your doctor, midwife, and the factory personnel your big brother-friendly plans. Be prepared to think surface the box. It's worth it to fight for what you think is in the best interest of your family.
Bring her to your prenatal appointments: Big sister doesn't have to attend every appointment but there are two main values to this. First, prenatal appointments are big bonding opportunities. Big sister can hear the heartbeat, help measure your belly, even see the baby on a sonogram. Second, you are choosing the path of "taking care of baby doesn't mean abandoning you." If you start off your mother-of-two journey under this parenting paradigm, you will send a clear and comforting message to big sister, build your relational dynamics colse to it, and likely continue it after birth. The role of your child at these appointments will vary depending on their age. If they are very young they can sit on your chest and talk with you while you lay down. If they are a wee older they can sit in a chair next to your head and munch on cheerios or stand next to you and hold your hand. Anything specifics work best for you, what's important is that you are engaging big sister in as much of the appointment as possible.
Watch his birth video: wee ones love to watch their birth video. It is a movie in which they are the star! If you don't have a video of the blessed event, put the photos of the day they were born in a child-friendly album.
If you are reading this thinking, "Oh my. Is she serious?!" Then you need a reality check. Babies are not flown in by the stork. And if you do not harness the spectacular, bonding possible of the birth, you are cheating both your children out of a principal bonding experience. If watching the video or looking at the photos elicits a reaction from you of pain and disgust, your child will pick up on that. In increasing to hurting their feelings, they will redirect all of those feelings onto the birth of their new sibling. Your child will take their cues from you on how to feel about birth. While watching the video and looking at photos with your child, tap into the pride, reverence, and love of the experience. If the belief of watching the video of your baby being born makes you uncomfortable then you shouldn't have a baby because guess what? That baby in your belly will most likely come out your vagina. That's right, I said vagina. It's not a cuss word and if you want your child to be comfortable and excited to welcome their new baby into the world then you need to be comfortable and excited.
Talk about the birth: Don't distract from questions about the birth- dive in. Allow your child to lead the conversation and give age appropriate answers that prepare your child for the reproduction and birth they too are a part of experiencing. Give faultless and honest answers. It is helpful to try to think about the birth palpate from your child's perspective. What things would be scary or confusing? For example, when Mommy has tummy squeezes she might roar like a lion. When babies come out they are all red and slimy from swimming colse to in Mommy's belly. What is a hospital or birth center and why are you there? Watching your child's birth video or looking at the photos is a great way to facilitate these conversations as these questions will plainly come up in the context of their victorious birth. looking birth for the first time in the context of their birth story will forestall any resentment colse to "what the baby did to Mommy."
Include him in the nesting process: When registering, allow him to scan some things he would like for his baby and some things he might need in his new role as big brother (ex: a new toy to play with when baby needs Mommy's hands, eyes, and words, a big brother shirt, a special baby blanket he can use to cover baby's legs when he thinks they are cold). Do some special things together like painting a picture for her room or building bears (let him build one for wee sister and big brother). Comprise big brother in painting, putting together furniture, picking a room, etc. Making room in your house for baby is a huge and relevant metaphor for Making room for baby in your life and in your heart.
Establish her new identity as big sister: If you plan on just getting bigger under the radar, dropping her off at grandma's, and picking her up with a baby, you are setting yourself and her up for failure. Just like having a baby changes who you are, it changes who your child is. She is no longer just Mommy's daughter, she is baby's big sister. You have 9 months to mold a new, inescapable record for your child colse to being a big sister and you will need every particular day of that 9 months. The power of language cannot be underestimated. It is not your baby, it is "our" baby. Take it a step added and invent an identity not just of a big sister but a good big sister. Look for any and all of the wee inescapable things she does for baby already and build on them. For example, if you are walking straight through an aisle in store and she says, "Mommy, can we get that for Baby because it's purple and I think he will like purple." Reflect that back to her and being a good big sister! "Oh you are such a good big sister to be mental that he might want to have that." Even very wee ones can corollary you in singing a song to Baby while in your belly and then be praised. Hold your wee one's hand and stroke your belly saying, "gently, moderately baby, gentle." Do the same with baby dolls. Buy some! And role play the behavior you would like to see. "Baby sleeping, shhhhhh (little ones love to make the shhhh sound)."
Make as many lifestyle adjustments as possible before baby arrives: Will you be changing strollers? Do it well before the baby comes ("You're such a big boy now you can have a bench seat!"). A exquisite example of this is the car. My husband or I all the time used to ride in the backseat with my son. Once I was about 5 months pregnant we stopped riding in the backseat. We said genuinely nothing about the baby. We just "needed more room." When I was about 6 months along we moved his seat to the side so he could "see out the window." When I was about 7 months we installed the baby car seat and allowed him to use it for his "guys" and dolls. When it was sunny we would close the shade and when it was cold we would use the cover. By the time I was 9 months pregnant he belief his spot in the car was "his spot" (not that he was ousted to make room for baby), he was over (bored with) playing with the car seat and used to its presence. So when Bailey was born, there was a place in the car, and his heart, for his new baby brother.
Include big brother in the birth: The level of inclusion will vary from family to family and child to child but a big brother who is complicated in the birth is invested in the baby. If you labor for 36 hours and end with a c-section, big brother is obviously not going to be gift for every wee or even every hour. But he should be complicated as much as possible. The key is that he feels that he is contributing to bringing the baby into the world. He can roar with you like a lion at home with you while you labor. He can pack a big brother bag while you pack yours. He can rest with you while you rest and most importantly, he can fill the room with his love where baby will be born. He can put his new baby blanket on baby after he is born. These are all just ideas but you can tailor the specifics to your child and family. He should feel wholly welcome, like the space and palpate belong to him too while free to move in and out of what can be a lengthy process.
I gave birth to my second at Scripps La Jolla. My 2-year-old (almost 3) son was right there, kissing me and retention my hand. He was beaming with excitement and bursting with love when his wee brother was born. Part of our birth plan was that my mum would be his caregiver. We worked out with the hospital that he could be gift at all times (approved by my doctor) as long as he had a designated, responsible caregiver (other than me or my husband). He was there with us all day, celebrating with our extended family and when nighttime rolled around, we pushed the cot over to the hospital bed, lowered the rail on that one side, and all slept together in a family bed. It was beautiful and complete. Disclaimer: The nursing staff said that as long as our son was "invisible" (quiet, well-behaved, and stayed in the room), they would look the other way when visiting hours ended.
One important aspect to having your child gift at a birth is having a caregiver for him. My mum and son are very close and so she was a natural selection for his caregiver while the birth. We discussed at great distance over the course of the reproduction what our foresight was for the birth and his role in it. Her job was to corollary his lead. Since my husband and I were busy brining life into the world, her job was to stay closely in tune with him and corollary his cues. If he wanted to talk, she could talk to him. If he wanted to go surface and play, she could take him outside. If he wanted to lay on the bed with Mommy, she could give him a boost. If he was hungry, she could feed him. She knew our priority was for him to be gift and complicated and that that priority was second to meeting his needs in the moment.
Allow for regression: It is base for a recently potty-trained child to revert after the birth of a baby. Baby gets all the attention and so big sister wants to be more like a baby. She may cry, whine, crawl, and even want to sleep with you. It is important that if you palpate regression with your big sister to not shame or punish the behavior. This will only feed the question (the emotional and physical distance in the middle of you and your former baby). Instead, give her extra attention and rewards for desired behaviors (positive reinforcement). And accept the behavior for what it is communicating- she needs more baby-type attention. I used to all the time wrap my 3-year-old big brother in his popular blanket and carry him colse to like a baby. He would think it was great for about 3 minutes and then he wanted to jump down, run away, and play. He needed just enough to fill up his love cup and then he was fine. Withholding requested attachment behaviors only amplifies the insecurity of your bond and increases the regression.
Another base example of this that you don't hear as much about is with breastfeeding. Your long-ago weaned big sister may ask to nurse again. Just think about all that cuddle time baby now gets! Breastfeeding is a special bonding action and big sister knows it. She may feel left out and want to be included. This is nothing to be ashamed of or punished for. Let big sister know that Mommy milk is specially made just for babies' tummies but if she would like a taste to remember, that is okay. You can add a little, "Not as good as the chocolate milk big girls get to drink, is it?" But it is important that you not make a big deal out of it. If you make a big deal of Mommy milk being only for babies and not for her then you will create an issue where there need not be one. If you give it lots of attention or devote a lot of talking to it, you make a big deal out of it. If you act like it's not a big deal, then she will think it's not a big deal and lose interest. Make sure you Comprise a space for her in your nursing nest (a couch instead of a chair, one arm for her, etc.) so that she can feel like she is a part of the special bonding without the actual act of breastfeeding.
Allow room for negative feelings: If your child is feeling some negative feelings, help her to recognize and declare (express) what she is feeling. Reflect it back to her and validate it. "You are feeling jealous because Daddy came home from work and held Baby first. That would probably make me feel jealous too. Would you like to tell Daddy how you're feeling?" It's not important to solve the question or remedy the situation. You will probably not be able to. The point is just to listen and empathize. If your child is up for it you can even take it a step added and brainstorm. "Is there Anything we can do to make it good next time? How about if Baby gets the first hug and you get the first kiss?"
Babywearing: Wearing your baby frees your hands and much of your attention for big brother while meeting all of the needs of your baby.
Let go of the guilt: There is no guilt like mum guilt! But to be a good parent you can't let the guilt take up too much space in your heart. It uses up emotional vigor that you could be expending on both your wee ones. Guilt does have a purpose. It's like an internal principles of checks and balances. For example, you feel the tug of guilt telling you to spend more time with your child when you see they need it. But you are only one person, you are not perfect, and you must allow yourself that forgiveness. Give guilt the place within you it warrants. Be in touch with it but don't let it whisper in your ear and dominate your self-worth and especially your identity as a mother.
I have had a lot of successes and challenges as a parent but one of my most sources of pride is the connection in the middle of my two sons. I went straight through the fear and anxiety but I tried to channel that vigor into fostering the bond in the middle of my Skyler and his new baby brother. The destination was worth every bit of the forethought and energy. The connection you nurture in the middle of your first born and your baby will last the rest of their lives- even long after you're gone. Lay the foundation for a loving, supportive bond and you will give them both a gift that is unrivaled in this world and that will last a lifetime.
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